“Am I bitter? Or am I feeling just fine?” I’ve asked myself this question for the nth time since I found out that my ex-boyfriend has somebody new already – just 77 days after our breakup. Yeah, I felt so bad… even horrible to the point I lost my appetite again, but I don’t know why I didn’t cry. Sometimes, I just want to shrug him off from my thoughts because they won’t do any good to me. I would just feel terrible, and I do not want to feel that way again. Early this morning on my way to school, I repeatedly told myself to stop thinking about him, stop talking about him, stop minding him and mind my own life instead, stop missing him, stop singing songs about him or any song that would make me think of him, stop sending him text messages... to totally stop making my world revolve around him. I know that my friends are already tired of hearing so much about him, and all about the sadness and grief I felt because of him. I know that I have to move on to the next chapter of my life, without the man whom I thought would be with me as I make my dreams come true. I know that the pain is already too much for me to bear, and that I should already stop feeling this way because it would do me no good if I continue to hope against hope. But I also don’t know why I can’t seem to stop myself from feeling bad because he seems to be not missing me, and seems to be happy with moving on without me. I don’t know why I still miss him at times. I don’t know why I still feel bad for losing him, and knowing that he is not coming back to me anymore makes me feel worse. I don’t know why I still feel sad most of the time, whenever thoughts of him enter my busy mind. I kept telling myself that that was it… He’s not thinking of you so forget him! He’s been a jerk to you so stop your stupidity! You deserve someone better than him.
But darn, why am I still like this? Is it really all in the mind? Probably. For the hundredth time, I’ve told myself to stop bothering him and mind my own pathetic life. Am I happy with being pathetic? I don’t think so. I still love him… but what will I do now that he doesn’t love me anymore? Continue to hope that we’ll be together again in the future? Look back and regret? But will regret help me move on? NO. That’s it! It will do me nothing, no good. It will all be a waste of time. I hope I could tell myself that and do it.
Looking back at my not-so-good past relationships, I remembered how I was able to move on, and how I came back to my old happy self once I get back on track again. Yeah, the pain seemed to be with me everyday of my life during those years, and I wonder now why it took me that long to get over the person I thought I love. Just recently, I came across a letter that I have sent years ago to the person I had deep feelings for. While I was reading it, I can’t help but ridicule myself at how stupid I was then. We became friends after almost a year of no communication. With the situation I am in now, I thought to myself that I’ll also be laughing at my pathetic old self once I get back to the “optimistic-me” again. I’m positive of that. I can’t force myself to stop loving him now, even if loving him is so pointless. It will die a natural death in its perfect time. And though I still feel the pain at times in my heart, I know that I’ll be fine sooner or later. Yes, I know I can. If I was able to do it before, I can do it again. And I know that this too, will only make me better and stronger.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
No comments:
Post a Comment