i miss you so bad!

it's been more than a month since we broke up but i'm still here, wishing and hoping you'll be back. i'm missing you so much. i wish you know that i'm still hurting, that i still love you so much. i can't explain why i still feel this way. i know you don't love me anymore, and that i have to let you go, but why is it still so damn difficult for me to do it even if you have pushed me away already?! i terribly miss you. i want to hug you everytime i see you, but i know i can't do that anymore. all i can do is see you from afar, fake a smile and say i'm ok when our paths cross, but don't you know that deep inside, it's killing me that i cannot love you the same way anymore? i'm trying my best to move on, trying to forget you, trying to unlove you, trying to be ok with this. i'm trying to keep myself from crying everytime i remember what has been and what can't be anymore. i'm trying to stay strong, thinking this would be the best for both of us. that i should set you free if i really love you. i just want to see you happy even if it means letting go of my own happiness. i don't know how to pick up the pieces of my broken heart back together, and everytime i try, i wound myself again and again. you don't know how frustrated i feel right now for not having you as my "man" anymore. it's supposed to be our 8th monthsary today. seems like i'm the only one who remembered because you're busy with other stuff now.. and anyway, what's the sense in remembering it? i still love you, and i know i sound stupid already because no matter how many times i tell myself that i should not feel this way anymore, i still do, so much! and no matter how many times i tell myself that i deserve someone better, i still end up longing for you! my heart cries out for only you. don't you know how much you really mean to me? what else do you want me to do to prove it to you? i hate what i'm feeling now because i know i couldn't do anything about it and that this craziness must already stop. but my tears seems to be infinite. i want to scream. i want to tell the world how much i love you, and what i'm feeling now. but i know i have to keep it inside. God knows how I've cried. tell me, how would i forget you? and why aren't you missing me?

...

For as long as I could remember, I have been living in this peaceful and undisturbed place, enclosed in sturdy and powerful walls. Plenty of people have tried to lure me away from here. Some say that I was missing half of my life by confining and isolating myself. Others condescendingly shake their heads in amusement, and knowingly declare that I will eventually surface from my dwelling. Whereas others more seek to tempt me, by promising things left and right, trying to make me believe that it was better for me to be with them, and outside my sheltered condition. Amongst all these, I stubbornly shook my head in defiance, because I was certain that my present situation was what's best for me. It is my choice to be here, anyway. Away from pain, sheltered from sorrow, and safe from getting hurt once again.

But as fate would have it, you came. Amidst the crowd, you held out your hand to me. I tried my best to refuse you, I really did. I burrowed myself further inside my place, but still you were persistent. I tried to get in touch with my cynical nature and recalled the reasons why I would rather confine myself in the first place, but I was unsuccessful.

Slowly, reluctantly, I find myself leaving my personal hole. And you were there, waiting. You opened my eyes to a wonderful place, and indeed, I felt bliss. There was so much to explore, things I never thought existed, and emotions I have almost forgotten I was capable of feeling. I finally came across things that I only saw in my secret fantasies. You and me. Together. And for that moment, that is all that mattered. Yes, for a while I genuinely forgot about my past existence, and I have almost convinced myself that, as long as you are here, I was better and happier. Almost.

Without warning, I slowly stirred from my trance, like a light bulb inside my head was turned on. I was reminded of the cruel realities that seem to cast a shadow over this different world I am now in. People who previously appeared as angels were now creeping back to me as monsters of my past. Places that seemed beautiful and magnificent now looked haunted. A variety of unfamiliar feelings slithered inside me--jealousy, sadness, bitterness. I searched for you, but you were not there.

All of a sudden, your fingers deliberately slipped away from mine. The hand, the very being, I foolishly believed would always be there, was gone.

For a while, I had been lost and confused. I thought I wouldn't be able to return to where I came from, for you have already shown me another world beyond my own, a place where I ridiculously trusted that dreams could come true yet again. It took me quite a while to realize, and to finally admit to myself, it's wonderful to live by the true world. And as I am, being so easy to adjust in different worlds, and so strong...

Still, I am standing, fighting to survive to reach my personal legend.