deym!

So why when I'm angry, do I not know how to respond aggressively? Perhaps years of bottling up my emotions have paid off, and now I don't know how to react when I feel certain things. My immediate reaction to anger is to shut down, get quiet, and get sad. I get angry, and instead of yelling or expressing anger, I only know how to express sadness. I cry when I'm sad, and I cry when I'm angry, and I cry no matter what. I have that I'd-like-to-punch-a-wall feeling, but I don't know what to do with it, because I'm too practical to punch a wall (I won't get my security deposit back, and I'll break my hand), and in spite of what grandma used to say, punching a pillow just doesn't make me feel better. I don't even know how to yell. I don't even know what yelling loudly feels like. So I did what anyone would do in 2008, and I googled anger. Here were some of the better thoughts:

"Is anger a bad thing? Yes and no. It is like the exhaust from a car. Does the exhaust pollute? Yes. Can I run my petroleum-fueled car without making exhaust? No. Are there other types of fuel that can be used that do not have this exhaust? Yes, and car manufacturers are slowly looking to alternative types of fuel."

"Your anger is your response to the world not going as you wish. You feel anger when:
Your son leaves shaving cream on the mirror.
Your unmarried daughter gets pregnant.
A colleague in your office gets mugged.."

"Anger repressed, anger suppressed, anger inhibited, anger kept in the body is toxic. Doctors are just beginning to understand how dangerous internalized anger is. Medical researchers have found that people who suppress their anger, people given to suspiciousness, fuming, and recurrent hostile rages, are putting their lives at risk as much as people who smoke and people who are grossly overweight."

.....well, shit.